It is time to get off Paxil

I have decided to try and live life without Paxil. This is a process that I should have began documenting from the beginning but hindsight is 20/20 right?!  I have been medicated for depression, anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since my early teens. I have been on numerous anti-depressants throughout the years. I lost count at 11 different medication. None of the medications were able to lift me out of my very dark depression until I was prescribed Paxil. The day I was prescribed Paxil  was one of the best and worst days of my life. I had finally found a drug that actually worked. I no longer wanted to hurt myself, I was not afraid to go out in public, and I did not have to deal with an obsession with even numbers anymore. Paxil was a lifesaver, literally.

Fast forward 15 years later...

I have met the most amazing woman with whom I want to share the rest of my life with, but Paxil has side effects. One of the side effects is loss of libido. Throw that on top of my already damaged sex drive due to being hypogonadal (funny word huh?) and we have a real problem. My girlfriend is very beautiful. She is not beautiful in the way men who love their girlfriends say their girlfriend is beautiful, she is beautiful in the way that OTHER guys stare at her when she walks in a room. She is STRIKINGLY beautiful. Even with this beautiful woman lying in my bed, I do not have a regular desire to have sex. It is sad. I can't imagine how this must make her feel and no amount of explaining will make her understand the fact that I do not desire sex regularly. There are only two options here. The first is to hope she becomes used to not getting laid very often. The second is to get off Paxil.
This is where I become scared. I suffered for a very long time from depression, anxiety, and OCD. I do not want to experience that place ever again. Being a recovering drug addict I have learned some really good coping skills and have become a generally happy guy. I do not want to lose that happiness.
Clinical Depression is an evil monster that people who have never experienced it cannot understand. It is not a mild case of the temporary blues. It is a dull, constant, nagging feeling that your life is not worth living. It is a pain between your stomach and chest that makes you want to kill yourself to make it stop. It is the feeling that things will not only not get better but will indeed get worse. It is the worst feeling in the world, even more that opiate withdrawal.
So here I am, down from 40mg everyday to taking 10 mg everyday. I am doing this because I do not want to lose the love of my life. I want her to feel my attraction to her. I want her to know without a doubt that she turns me on sexually. I want to make love to her on a regular basis and it not be a chore. I will never get these things with paxil. I am not so naive to think that Paxil is my only problem but it is a large problem. The fact that I have to take a shot of testosterone once a week has a lot to do with it also, but getting off the Paxil will make it easier for the testosterone to work. Going below 10 mg a day is where the real fun with Paxil starts. Wish me luck!
I am pretty fucked up for a 30 year old.
30 years old
ex drug addict
suffered from severe depression, anxiety, and OCD
has to take a shot of a male hormone once a week to function like a man
Cried at Old Yeller. Titanic, and Powder.

Things could be worse.

An Atheist's Christmas

I know, I know. It has been over a month since my last update. Life has gotten in the way of my "sit on my ass and blog" time. On a happier note, Christmas was awesome. Yes, there are atheists that like Christmas. I received money, itunes cards, clothes, food, and a Kindle 3. How could anyone not enjoy getting all that cool stuff?!?!?!
So how does an atheist celebrate the "Christian" holiday of Christmas? I cannot speak for all atheists but I can speak for this one.
Ever since I was a little boy Christmas has been about one thing, celebration of family. We give gifts to each other, we eat, we let everyone know how much we love them and try to be extra nice. From my experience this is how most families celebrate Christmas.
A lot of people don't know that the Christians were one of the last people to catch on to the holiday in winter. Christmas's origins can be traced back to the winter solstice and Saturnalia. Both Pagan holidays celebrated in late december. When Constantine made Christianity legal in 313 CE the Pagans were "urged" to adopt Christianity. Old festivals and holiday were given up and something had to take their place. This is when someone had the good idea to say Jesus was born in december and celebrated his birth during the same time as the Pagan festivals. Everyone wins as long as you ignore the fact that IF Jesus was real and the account of his birth is accurate then he would have been born in a warmer month and not at the end of december. According to biblical evidence (and I use evidence loosely when referring to the bible) Jesus would have been born sometime in September.
And for such a Christian holiday, there sure is a lot of mention of Santa ,Yuletide, and Christmas trees. Yuletide comes from the Scandinavian holiday Jul or Yul. Since Santa seems to be the main focus of Christmas we can throw the whole Jesus is the reason mess out the window and Christmas trees have their origins in Paganism. So tell me again why this is a Christian holiday?
I enjoy Christmas. I believe most people do. It is a holiday that has been commercialized and profited from but it is still a fun time. You don't have to believe in a magic God or a man hanging from a cross to enjoy spending time with loved ones and exchanging gifts.
Now it is time to go read my Kindle 3!