Friday, June 24, 2011

Life and all its trappings

So your old buddy Fox has not written in quite a while. This seems to be a recurring theme in every blog I have written. I kept on for close to 5 years one time. I updated it everyday sometimes multiple times a day. I loved it. In fact, I looked forward to going home so I could write about my day and see who had commented. I have a grand total of two followers on this blog. WOW.. That is exactly two more than I thought would read!
I have started my own business and it is very hit or miss right now. Without going into detail about what it is I can say that I provide outdoor cleaning to people. Some weeks I will make $1500 and other weeks I will make $15.  I also have applied to my local police department. Old Fox here has quite a history with the police. Although my record is as spotless as the unworn Hawaiian shirt in my closet, I am anything but a saint. Years of hard living and drugging gave Fox a name that it took years to clean up. The question of the day is whether or not the police department would hire an ex junky? Who knows.
I am not depressed anymore. My last blog read like a suicide letter. Pretty depressing stuff there. I got back on my medicine and am doing just fine. My lady and I are still together and doing well.

As I have grown older I have begun to realize how being a grown-up is not as fun as I thought it would be when I was a kid. I would always say "I wish I was grown so I could be free to do whatever I want to."  The funny thing is that I will never be as free as when I was a kid saying that line. Ahh, the trappings of youth and how I long for them.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Anxiety, depression, and crazy thoughts

So my last post, which seemed like ages ago, talked about my decision to get off Paxil. Big mistake. At first it seemed like it was a good decision. I weened off of the medication and experienced very few withdrawal symptoms. For several weeks I was feeling fine. Then the depression came, followed by the anxiety. I honestly had forgotten how bad it was. My mind has been going ninety to nothing with crazy thoughts of suicide, running away, or just crawling under the covers and never leaving the bed. I really hate myself right now. I hate the way I am made. I want so bad to be a normal human being. No one reads this stupid fucking blog anyways so I really don't mind saying these things. I want to be able to desire my fiance sexually, but Paxil left me with close to zero sex drive. Other than that HUGE side effect, Paxil was the perfect drug.  I have found someone that I love dearly and would do anything for, but my life is not worth a sex drive. Yes, this is life or death. I have the most wonderful life and here I sit at my computer trying to figure out a way to die that would not completely devastate everyone around me. I started back on my Paxil today after trying another drug that made my problems even worse. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it seems like the tunnel goes on for miles and miles. I am not sure if I can make it another day much less two weeks. The pain in my chest is too much for me to take. It is an indescribable tightness that tells me things will not get better.
People around me do not understand depression or anxiety. Most people think all you have to do is suck it up and things will get better. If there is one thing that I have learned from my many years of suffering from this shit is that it does not get better without help. I have had counseling, psychotherapy, stays in a mental health hospital and the only thing that has ever provided me with any relief is Paxil. I fucking hate it and love it at the same time. If one has not been through the depths of hell that someone suffering from depression/anxiety has then they have NO idea the pain involved. I am not talking about being sad for a week because you lost your job or your dog died. I am talking about years of constant stabs in your chest from anxiety and the feeling that your insides are trying to jump out of your chest. I am talking about depression where there is absolutely nothing in this world that could make you happy. It is an illness that convinces you that the only answer is to die. People around you talk to you like you are a big pussy or that you can just snap out of it. I want to tell those people how fucking wrong they are! If those people could stand in my shoes for 5 minutes they would be begging to have their old life back again. The pain from this illness is worse than any drug withdrawal I have been through. It is worse than any broken bone, back surgery, or fight I have had.
I have to get better though. I have a fiance that means so much to me and she means more to me than I could ever put into words. When there is something worth holding onto then you have to hold onto it with all your might. She is worth holding onto. If I continue to feel like this it will effect her and she will not want to stick around with me. I have lost a lot of things in my life. I have gained even more. I do not want to lose the wonderful things I have gained because of a simple imbalance of chemicals in my brain. All it takes is one pill to even it all out. Oh how I hate saying that. The pill will make it better. I wish I did not have to be the person that said that but I am that person. I need a fucking antidepressant to live. In two weeks I am sure I will be better. The medicine will be in full effect by then. Until that time, I will suffer silently hoping that I can make it one more day.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

It is time to get off Paxil

I have decided to try and live life without Paxil. This is a process that I should have began documenting from the beginning but hindsight is 20/20 right?!  I have been medicated for depression, anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since my early teens. I have been on numerous anti-depressants throughout the years. I lost count at 11 different medication. None of the medications were able to lift me out of my very dark depression until I was prescribed Paxil. The day I was prescribed Paxil  was one of the best and worst days of my life. I had finally found a drug that actually worked. I no longer wanted to hurt myself, I was not afraid to go out in public, and I did not have to deal with an obsession with even numbers anymore. Paxil was a lifesaver, literally.

Fast forward 15 years later...

I have met the most amazing woman with whom I want to share the rest of my life with, but Paxil has side effects. One of the side effects is loss of libido. Throw that on top of my already damaged sex drive due to being hypogonadal (funny word huh?) and we have a real problem. My girlfriend is very beautiful. She is not beautiful in the way men who love their girlfriends say their girlfriend is beautiful, she is beautiful in the way that OTHER guys stare at her when she walks in a room. She is STRIKINGLY beautiful. Even with this beautiful woman lying in my bed, I do not have a regular desire to have sex. It is sad. I can't imagine how this must make her feel and no amount of explaining will make her understand the fact that I do not desire sex regularly. There are only two options here. The first is to hope she becomes used to not getting laid very often. The second is to get off Paxil.
This is where I become scared. I suffered for a very long time from depression, anxiety, and OCD. I do not want to experience that place ever again. Being a recovering drug addict I have learned some really good coping skills and have become a generally happy guy. I do not want to lose that happiness.
Clinical Depression is an evil monster that people who have never experienced it cannot understand. It is not a mild case of the temporary blues. It is a dull, constant, nagging feeling that your life is not worth living. It is a pain between your stomach and chest that makes you want to kill yourself to make it stop. It is the feeling that things will not only not get better but will indeed get worse. It is the worst feeling in the world, even more that opiate withdrawal.
So here I am, down from 40mg everyday to taking 10 mg everyday. I am doing this because I do not want to lose the love of my life. I want her to feel my attraction to her. I want her to know without a doubt that she turns me on sexually. I want to make love to her on a regular basis and it not be a chore. I will never get these things with paxil. I am not so naive to think that Paxil is my only problem but it is a large problem. The fact that I have to take a shot of testosterone once a week has a lot to do with it also, but getting off the Paxil will make it easier for the testosterone to work. Going below 10 mg a day is where the real fun with Paxil starts. Wish me luck!
I am pretty fucked up for a 30 year old.
30 years old
ex drug addict
suffered from severe depression, anxiety, and OCD
has to take a shot of a male hormone once a week to function like a man
Cried at Old Yeller. Titanic, and Powder.

Things could be worse.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

An Atheist's Christmas

I know, I know. It has been over a month since my last update. Life has gotten in the way of my "sit on my ass and blog" time. On a happier note, Christmas was awesome. Yes, there are atheists that like Christmas. I received money, itunes cards, clothes, food, and a Kindle 3. How could anyone not enjoy getting all that cool stuff?!?!?!
So how does an atheist celebrate the "Christian" holiday of Christmas? I cannot speak for all atheists but I can speak for this one.
Ever since I was a little boy Christmas has been about one thing, celebration of family. We give gifts to each other, we eat, we let everyone know how much we love them and try to be extra nice. From my experience this is how most families celebrate Christmas.
A lot of people don't know that the Christians were one of the last people to catch on to the holiday in winter. Christmas's origins can be traced back to the winter solstice and Saturnalia. Both Pagan holidays celebrated in late december. When Constantine made Christianity legal in 313 CE the Pagans were "urged" to adopt Christianity. Old festivals and holiday were given up and something had to take their place. This is when someone had the good idea to say Jesus was born in december and celebrated his birth during the same time as the Pagan festivals. Everyone wins as long as you ignore the fact that IF Jesus was real and the account of his birth is accurate then he would have been born in a warmer month and not at the end of december. According to biblical evidence (and I use evidence loosely when referring to the bible) Jesus would have been born sometime in September.
And for such a Christian holiday, there sure is a lot of mention of Santa ,Yuletide, and Christmas trees. Yuletide comes from the Scandinavian holiday Jul or Yul. Since Santa seems to be the main focus of Christmas we can throw the whole Jesus is the reason mess out the window and Christmas trees have their origins in Paganism. So tell me again why this is a Christian holiday?
I enjoy Christmas. I believe most people do. It is a holiday that has been commercialized and profited from but it is still a fun time. You don't have to believe in a magic God or a man hanging from a cross to enjoy spending time with loved ones and exchanging gifts.
Now it is time to go read my Kindle 3!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Football is boring

I do not like watching football. My girlfriend absolutely loves Alabama Crimson Tide football. I watch the games with her because she loves it but, it bores me.
These are the reasons I do not like football.

  1. There is only 11 minutes of actual gameplay. That's right, 11 minutes. Look it up. 
  2. Watching guys run up and down a field is about as fun as watching racecars drive in circles.
  3. You are forced to listen to some old guys who played football 35 years ago announce the game and try and reclaim their glory.
  4. Games always come on right when a tv show I want to watch is supposed to come on!
  5. Fans are sometimes fanatical. Ever been yelled at for having a girlfriend who likes a team that your neighbor hates? I have.
  6. The players were always the guys who picked on me in highschool.

I could write more but my girlfriend keeps asking me to pay attention to the game. ROLL TIDE!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Human Google

For some time now people have called me with questions. Not anything specific but general knowledge questions. What were the next door neighbors' names on the tv show "Alf?"  Who shot J.R.?  How fast does a cheetah run? Apparently young Fox is thought of as the human Google.  But what are the reaches of the greatest search engine ever? Can it find me love? Will it balance my checkbook? Can it show me how to start a revolution in my country? The answers may surprise you!

Google can and does do all the things I mentioned. Google has surpassed its original form as a basic search engine. Google has become a brand name, a verb, a subject, a compliment, and a way of life. I for one think of Google as a worthy replacement for the whole God concept. Google has taken over the internet and pointed its sticky tentacles at world domination. I for one can't wait! 
Think about it. Instead of buying a Coca-Cola, you will be drinking Google-cola. Your next truck might be a Google 4x4. There will be Google condoms with ads that say "Trust us, we know everything. Wrap it up!"
I for one am prepared to submit to the beast known as Google. I will lay down my life to honor and worship the great Monolith! Maybe I am giving a search engine too much credit but hey, if a crazy Jewish carpenter can convince the world that he is God then Google can surely manage a little world domination!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

No Virginia, There is no God

This God business is beginning to drive me to insanity. I pull up my Facebook account and, lo and behold, every three or four posts is a bible verse. I find it quite interesting that Christians, not all but many, tend to recycle the same group of bible verses over and over and over. They are always along the lines of "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son" and "No one comes to the father except through the son."  Forgive me for my shoddy paraphrasing.  How come these Christians use the same bible verses over and over? I think I have an answer.
After much digging and research (i.e. drinking diet soda and watching tv) I have discovered that the reason for the bible quote recycling is......drumroll please...... They have not read the rest of the bible. 
Yep folks, that is my hypothesis and let me tell you why.
Your irreverent and sometimes bawdy blogger has not always been so.  At one time, young Fox was a bible thumper. Yes, a bible thumper! I wanted to become a Catholic priest in my teen years but, not because of the buffet of naive young boys. Fox is and always will be a fan of the female form!
I descended on the bible in those days  with a voracious appetite for knowledge of God. I began in genesis and ended in revelation. When I was finished with that book I was so thoroughly disgusted and upset. I was upset because for so many years I blindly followed Christianity without ever taking the time to really read and understand that evil evil book. I was inundated with "Jesus loves you" and "God is love" rhetoric. I believed the preachers, priests, and adults who said Christianity was based off of a good book. THey were all liars. The bible is the most misogynistic, pro murder, pro genocide, pro infanticide, pro hate book I have ever read. "Mein Kampf," Hitler's stab at writing, does not even come close to the bible.  I began to read and research and stumbled upon more people like myself. We were called atheists and we were the single most hated group in America. Gotta love that Christian forgiveness and love.

I could write a large book and why God is not real or why Christianity disgusts me but it would be a moot point. I will never convince anyone to change their beliefs. BUT, and that is a big but, I truly believe that if more people actually read the bible they too will walk a similar path as I have. One cannot reconcile the bible with the teaching of Christianity. There is no way.  The bible tells us that women are lesser than men, that parents should KILL their children for talking back, that God kills nations routinely out of jealousy, and that if you truly want to follow Jesus you have to hate your neighbor and your family. 
It was a long hard road leaving the cult of Jesus but now that I am free from what I like to call "delusional psychosis" I can live my life in true happiness. 
Now if only I can convince my neighbor to stop drawing pentagrams on my front porch and putting salt in front of the door.