Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Anxiety, depression, and crazy thoughts

So my last post, which seemed like ages ago, talked about my decision to get off Paxil. Big mistake. At first it seemed like it was a good decision. I weened off of the medication and experienced very few withdrawal symptoms. For several weeks I was feeling fine. Then the depression came, followed by the anxiety. I honestly had forgotten how bad it was. My mind has been going ninety to nothing with crazy thoughts of suicide, running away, or just crawling under the covers and never leaving the bed. I really hate myself right now. I hate the way I am made. I want so bad to be a normal human being. No one reads this stupid fucking blog anyways so I really don't mind saying these things. I want to be able to desire my fiance sexually, but Paxil left me with close to zero sex drive. Other than that HUGE side effect, Paxil was the perfect drug.  I have found someone that I love dearly and would do anything for, but my life is not worth a sex drive. Yes, this is life or death. I have the most wonderful life and here I sit at my computer trying to figure out a way to die that would not completely devastate everyone around me. I started back on my Paxil today after trying another drug that made my problems even worse. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it seems like the tunnel goes on for miles and miles. I am not sure if I can make it another day much less two weeks. The pain in my chest is too much for me to take. It is an indescribable tightness that tells me things will not get better.
People around me do not understand depression or anxiety. Most people think all you have to do is suck it up and things will get better. If there is one thing that I have learned from my many years of suffering from this shit is that it does not get better without help. I have had counseling, psychotherapy, stays in a mental health hospital and the only thing that has ever provided me with any relief is Paxil. I fucking hate it and love it at the same time. If one has not been through the depths of hell that someone suffering from depression/anxiety has then they have NO idea the pain involved. I am not talking about being sad for a week because you lost your job or your dog died. I am talking about years of constant stabs in your chest from anxiety and the feeling that your insides are trying to jump out of your chest. I am talking about depression where there is absolutely nothing in this world that could make you happy. It is an illness that convinces you that the only answer is to die. People around you talk to you like you are a big pussy or that you can just snap out of it. I want to tell those people how fucking wrong they are! If those people could stand in my shoes for 5 minutes they would be begging to have their old life back again. The pain from this illness is worse than any drug withdrawal I have been through. It is worse than any broken bone, back surgery, or fight I have had.
I have to get better though. I have a fiance that means so much to me and she means more to me than I could ever put into words. When there is something worth holding onto then you have to hold onto it with all your might. She is worth holding onto. If I continue to feel like this it will effect her and she will not want to stick around with me. I have lost a lot of things in my life. I have gained even more. I do not want to lose the wonderful things I have gained because of a simple imbalance of chemicals in my brain. All it takes is one pill to even it all out. Oh how I hate saying that. The pill will make it better. I wish I did not have to be the person that said that but I am that person. I need a fucking antidepressant to live. In two weeks I am sure I will be better. The medicine will be in full effect by then. Until that time, I will suffer silently hoping that I can make it one more day.
Fox

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