It is time to get off Paxil

I have decided to try and live life without Paxil. This is a process that I should have began documenting from the beginning but hindsight is 20/20 right?!  I have been medicated for depression, anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since my early teens. I have been on numerous anti-depressants throughout the years. I lost count at 11 different medication. None of the medications were able to lift me out of my very dark depression until I was prescribed Paxil. The day I was prescribed Paxil  was one of the best and worst days of my life. I had finally found a drug that actually worked. I no longer wanted to hurt myself, I was not afraid to go out in public, and I did not have to deal with an obsession with even numbers anymore. Paxil was a lifesaver, literally.

Fast forward 15 years later...

I have met the most amazing woman with whom I want to share the rest of my life with, but Paxil has side effects. One of the side effects is loss of libido. Throw that on top of my already damaged sex drive due to being hypogonadal (funny word huh?) and we have a real problem. My girlfriend is very beautiful. She is not beautiful in the way men who love their girlfriends say their girlfriend is beautiful, she is beautiful in the way that OTHER guys stare at her when she walks in a room. She is STRIKINGLY beautiful. Even with this beautiful woman lying in my bed, I do not have a regular desire to have sex. It is sad. I can't imagine how this must make her feel and no amount of explaining will make her understand the fact that I do not desire sex regularly. There are only two options here. The first is to hope she becomes used to not getting laid very often. The second is to get off Paxil.
This is where I become scared. I suffered for a very long time from depression, anxiety, and OCD. I do not want to experience that place ever again. Being a recovering drug addict I have learned some really good coping skills and have become a generally happy guy. I do not want to lose that happiness.
Clinical Depression is an evil monster that people who have never experienced it cannot understand. It is not a mild case of the temporary blues. It is a dull, constant, nagging feeling that your life is not worth living. It is a pain between your stomach and chest that makes you want to kill yourself to make it stop. It is the feeling that things will not only not get better but will indeed get worse. It is the worst feeling in the world, even more that opiate withdrawal.
So here I am, down from 40mg everyday to taking 10 mg everyday. I am doing this because I do not want to lose the love of my life. I want her to feel my attraction to her. I want her to know without a doubt that she turns me on sexually. I want to make love to her on a regular basis and it not be a chore. I will never get these things with paxil. I am not so naive to think that Paxil is my only problem but it is a large problem. The fact that I have to take a shot of testosterone once a week has a lot to do with it also, but getting off the Paxil will make it easier for the testosterone to work. Going below 10 mg a day is where the real fun with Paxil starts. Wish me luck!
I am pretty fucked up for a 30 year old.
30 years old
ex drug addict
suffered from severe depression, anxiety, and OCD
has to take a shot of a male hormone once a week to function like a man
Cried at Old Yeller. Titanic, and Powder.

Things could be worse.

An Atheist's Christmas

I know, I know. It has been over a month since my last update. Life has gotten in the way of my "sit on my ass and blog" time. On a happier note, Christmas was awesome. Yes, there are atheists that like Christmas. I received money, itunes cards, clothes, food, and a Kindle 3. How could anyone not enjoy getting all that cool stuff?!?!?!
So how does an atheist celebrate the "Christian" holiday of Christmas? I cannot speak for all atheists but I can speak for this one.
Ever since I was a little boy Christmas has been about one thing, celebration of family. We give gifts to each other, we eat, we let everyone know how much we love them and try to be extra nice. From my experience this is how most families celebrate Christmas.
A lot of people don't know that the Christians were one of the last people to catch on to the holiday in winter. Christmas's origins can be traced back to the winter solstice and Saturnalia. Both Pagan holidays celebrated in late december. When Constantine made Christianity legal in 313 CE the Pagans were "urged" to adopt Christianity. Old festivals and holiday were given up and something had to take their place. This is when someone had the good idea to say Jesus was born in december and celebrated his birth during the same time as the Pagan festivals. Everyone wins as long as you ignore the fact that IF Jesus was real and the account of his birth is accurate then he would have been born in a warmer month and not at the end of december. According to biblical evidence (and I use evidence loosely when referring to the bible) Jesus would have been born sometime in September.
And for such a Christian holiday, there sure is a lot of mention of Santa ,Yuletide, and Christmas trees. Yuletide comes from the Scandinavian holiday Jul or Yul. Since Santa seems to be the main focus of Christmas we can throw the whole Jesus is the reason mess out the window and Christmas trees have their origins in Paganism. So tell me again why this is a Christian holiday?
I enjoy Christmas. I believe most people do. It is a holiday that has been commercialized and profited from but it is still a fun time. You don't have to believe in a magic God or a man hanging from a cross to enjoy spending time with loved ones and exchanging gifts.
Now it is time to go read my Kindle 3!

Football is boring

I do not like watching football. My girlfriend absolutely loves Alabama Crimson Tide football. I watch the games with her because she loves it but, it bores me.
These are the reasons I do not like football.

1. There is only 11 minutes of actual gameplay. That's right, 11 minutes. Look it up. 
2. Watching guys run up and down a field is about as fun as watching racecars drive in circles.
3. You are forced to listen to some old guys who played football 35 years ago announce the game and try and reclaim their glory.
4. Games always come on right when a tv show I want to watch is supposed to come on!
5. Fans are sometimes fanatical. Ever been yelled at for having a girlfriend who likes a team that your neighbor hates? I have.
6. The players were always the guys who picked on me in highschool.

I could write more but my girlfriend keeps asking me to pay attention to the game. ROLL TIDE!!

The Human Google

For some time now people have called me with questions. Not anything specific but general knowledge questions. What were the next door neighbors' names on the tv show "Alf?"  Who shot J.R.?  How fast does a cheetah run? Apparently young Fox is thought of as the human Google.  But what are the reaches of the greatest search engine ever? Can it find me love? Will it balance my checkbook? Can it show me how to start a revolution in my country? The answers may surprise you!

Google can and does do all the things I mentioned. Google has surpassed its original form as a basic search engine. Google has become a brand name, a verb, a subject, a compliment, and a way of life. I for one think of Google as a worthy replacement for the whole God concept. Google has taken over the internet and pointed its sticky tentacles at world domination. I for one can't wait! 

Think about it. Instead of buying a Coca-Cola, you will be drinking Google-cola. Your next truck might be a Google 4x4. There will be Google condoms with ads that say "Trust us, we know everything. Wrap it up!"

I for one am prepared to submit to the beast known as Google. I will lay down my life to honor and worship the great Monolith! Maybe I am giving a search engine too much credit but hey, if a crazy Jewish carpenter can convince the world that he is God then Google can surely manage a little world domination!

No Virginia, There is no God

This God business is beginning to drive me to insanity. I pull up my Facebook account and, lo and behold, every three or four posts is a bible verse. I find it quite interesting that Christians, not all but many, tend to recycle the same group of bible verses over and over and over. They are always along the lines of "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son" and "No one comes to the father except through the son."  Forgive me for my shoddy paraphrasing.  How come these Christians use the same bible verses over and over? I think I have an answer.

After much digging and research (i.e. drinking diet soda and watching tv) I have discovered that the reason for the bible quote recycling is......drumroll please...... They have not read the rest of the bible. 

Yep folks, that is my hypothesis and let me tell you why.

Your irreverent and sometimes bawdy blogger has not always been so.  At one time, young Fox was a bible thumper. Yes, a bible thumper! I wanted to become a Catholic priest in my teen years but, not because of the buffet of naive young boys. Fox is and always will be a fan of the female form!

I descended on the bible in those days  with a voracious appetite for knowledge of God. I began in genesis and ended in revelation. When I was finished with that book I was so thoroughly disgusted and upset. I was upset because for so many years I blindly followed Christianity without ever taking the time to really read and understand that evil evil book. I was inundated with "Jesus loves you" and "God is love" rhetoric. I believed the preachers, priests, and adults who said Christianity was based off of a good book. THey were all liars. The bible is the most misogynistic, pro murder, pro genocide, pro infanticide, pro hate book I have ever read. "Mein Kampf," Hitler's stab at writing, does not even come close to the bible.  I began to read and research and stumbled upon more people like myself. We were called atheists and we were the single most hated group in America. Gotta love that Christian forgiveness and love.

I could write a large book and why God is not real or why Christianity disgusts me but it would be a moot point. I will never convince anyone to change their beliefs. BUT, and that is a big but, I truly believe that if more people actually read the bible they too will walk a similar path as I have. One cannot reconcile the bible with the teaching of Christianity. There is no way.  The bible tells us that women are lesser than men, that parents should KILL their children for talking back, that God kills nations routinely out of jealousy, and that if you truly want to follow Jesus you have to hate your neighbor and your family. 

It was a long hard road leaving the cult of Jesus but now that I am free from what I like to call "delusional psychosis" I can live my life in true happiness. 

Now if only I can convince my neighbor to stop drawing pentagrams on my front porch and putting salt in front of the door.

Today's message is brought to you by your friendly neighborhood atheist

Jesco White and the White Family : The Human Train Wreck

Eight years ago a friend of mine asked me had I ever seen "The Dancing Outlaw." I had not seen it and assumed it was some shitty country music video. He informed me of possibly one of the greatest trainwrecks on film, "The Dancing Outlaw : Jesco White."  

Jesco is a hillbilly from Boone County West Virginia who has been given the gift of dance, Not just any dance, tap dance. Jesco's dancing ability is the least important thing about Jesco White.  He is one of the most interesting people I believe I have ever seen in a documentary.  Jesco is now an old man but, he still parties like it's 1991.  He has three personalities one of which is Elvis. Yes, Elvis Aaron Presley, The King. 

Recently the guys from "Jackass" released a new film called "The Wild and Wonderful White of West Virginia." It is a documentary which follows up on Jesco and his family. There is pot smokin, pill snortin, baby havin, hillbillies partying all day and all night. And then there is Jesco. The whole documentary is one big train wreck. It is sad to see these people and the way they live. Their kids running around in the living room, filthy, while their parents snort coke in front of them. It is horrible but, you can't stop watching it. It is like train wreck. You want to turn away because of the gruesomeness of it but, you can't stop looking because it is such an overwhelming sight.  The White family is the human trainwreck.  I encourage any readers to check out Jesco White or The Dancing Outlaw on Youtube.  And if you are ever in Boone County, stop by and see Jesco. 

Who Died and Made Shakespeare King?

So I have an unhealthy obsession with hating Shakespeare as literature. It is not a mild dislike for the Bard or even an occasional outburst of obscene language directed towards dear old Willie. It is a true hatred for William Shakespeare's work as literature. I know what some of you might be saying "But Fox, William Shakespeare wrote some of the greatest plays of all times. His works are timeless and must be appreciated for there contribution to modern literature" but, all I am hearing is blah blah blah. I will impart on you, dear reader, the reasons I hate Shakespeare.

Reason #1 - I had to take a semester of Shakespeare during my senior year in University. Nothing has the power to bore you to suicidal thoughts like reading Shakespeare.

Reason #2 - William Shakespeare makes it difficult for great modern writers to get the credit they deserve.  While all these old gray haired professors spout "Scholarly" facts about the literary cannon and how Shakespeare is the greatest of all times, they are deaf to the voices of modern writers whose works may surpass Ole Willie. 

Reason #3 - Shakespeare is notoriously difficult to read, even for students of English. Unless you arrived here in a time machine or are familiar with the great vowel shift and other boring parts of the english language, Shakespeare's plays will be difficult to understand.

Reason #4 - This is the main reason I do not like Shakespeare's work as literature. It is not literature.  Shakespeare wrote plays. Sure he has a sonnet or two and a few other little pieces thrown in but the majority of his work is plays. Plays are not meant to be read. They are meant to be watched. If you want to sour a student to the wonderful world of literature, make him/her read Shakespeare. 

I am not here to say that Shakespeare should be banned from libraries across the world or completely be taken out of the modern school curriculum. I am saying that he should be knocked off his "high horse" in the literary cannon. 

And to top it all off he was a political nightmare. The liberals would hate him because he did not allow women to act in his plays and the conservatives would hate him because he had men in drag to replace the women.  A sexist cross dresser. Maybe I do like the Bard after all.

Why you should graduate High School

Today I took a short stroll to the local tobacco store. I had received a coupon for $5 off a pack of cigarettes from American Spirits. While American Spirits is not my usual brand I am never one to turn down a bargain. I know from past experience that this store is not in the habit of hiring college graduates (that is the understatement of the year!)  I walk in, ask for a pack of American Spirits in the yellow box and lay my $5 coupon on the counter. This is where the fun begins.

First the woman picks up the coupon, looks at me, then begins to tell me how her "brutha can't use his $10 coupon so [I] can't use [my] $5 coupon." I imagine that her brother's coupon was for a cigarette other than American Spirits since American Spirits is not a popular cigarette.  I asked her why.  Her reply was as follows: "You can't use dis coupon for $5 cause den it's like you are gettin a pack of cigarettes for almost free."  I calmly replied "that is the point of a coupon."
By this time the manager, also one of America's finely educated cigarette store clerks, has entered the picture. She says they cannot accept the coupon. I leave a bit angry but not over the top...yet. I walk out to my truck and retrieve the letter that came with my coupon from American Spirits that lists this tobacco store as a store that will accept their coupons. I walk back into the store, ask for the manager, and hand her the letter. She and the clerk make several remarks about how they "won't never take no mo coupons again."

Finally after letting me know that they think this is unfair and that they "wont be takin no mo coupons cause I aint gonna lose no money outs my pockets", they took the damn coupon.

There are several observations to be made here.

1. Get an education. If you do not get an education you will be stuck behind the counter of a tobacco store arguing about a goddamned coupon!
2. The customer is always right. This motto held true in the past and it still holds true today. If there is a problem, apologize to the customer and ask if there is something else you can do to assist them.
3. Don't be a bitch. I understand your job sucks and you are mad because you made poor life decisions but, unless you want to lose the crappy job you have and be unemployed, smile a little and don't be a bitch!
4. I don't give a shit about your brother or his $10 coupon.

With all this drama, I really think I should try and quit smoking again, if only to avoid ignorant tobacco clerks.

Graffiti or Art?

I have been enjoying documentaries on the graffiti scene the past couple of days.  At one time I, young Fox, fancied myself a "tagger." I use the term tagger loosely because I really just spray canned pictures of this cartoon face I used to doodle on all my tests in school. But my fascination with graffiti never left.

Above is a mural the famous Banksy painted on Leake St. in London. It is no longer there but I think it really sums up the argument about Graffiti. Is it mere vandalism (the mural shows a street cleaner cleaning the graffiti from the walls) or is it art (notice the graffiti is the famous cave paintings in Lascaux, France).

I am torn. I believe artists such as Blek le Rat and Banksy create something that makes us as a society question the world around us, but they started off as taggers, randomly spray painting names and such on buildings.  To kill the tagger is to kill the artist. I find tagging very ugly and and it conveys an "image" of crime. But if the authority stops taggers are they crushing scores of future artists?

I always wanted to spraypaint a huge mural in my town that depicts Hitler shaking hands with Jesus. My artistic ability is not that good and the time it would take to finish such a project would surely get me caught. Oh well, Ill just settle for peeing in public as my act of civil disobedience.

First Post

I guess the correct thing to do when introducing oneself to strangers is to tell a little bit about oneself.

I am a lot like an onion. If you peel back the flaky exterior and really dig to the center I am liable to make you cry.

• I am a Human. Some may say that being a human is a given but there are some really smart monkeys that can type. I am not one of those monkeys, I just wanted to clear up any confusion that you may have had.

• I am a male. It is not really important but this is my blog and I can do what I want!

• I am a recovering drug addict. I used to do drugs, really do drugs. I was not one of those namby pamby "i smoke pot on the weekends" guys. I injected massive amounts of deadly chemicals directly into my bloodstream every single day. It was pretty much a twenty-four hour a day job. I finally got fired from being a drug addict. The pay sucked and the retirement was some shaded plot at Sunnyvale Cemetery. I was never a big fan of shade anyways.

• I am an atheist. This is my most recent achievement. I would like to thank the bible for helping me understand that God is not real. Being an atheist is the most freeing and rational achievement I have ever accomplished. It is amazing at how much more astounding the world becomes when you realize that no God was needed.

My plan is to update on a regular basis, develop a huge following, become semi-famous, and retire using the huge piles of money I will make from plugging products such as delicious Coca-Cola, soft and wonderful Kleenex brand tissue, and well built vehicles from our German neighbors at Volkswagen.


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